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Saturday, December 28, 2013

Podcast #63 The Paleolithic Ghost of the New Year! AND- Tumac (Mighty Slayer) meets Raquel Welch!!

“This will be MY year!”  Matt thought.
“The year I go back to the Paleolithic- the year I get fit and healthy!!”

Of course, he had said that many times in the past... but this time, this time he KNEW he would make it- he had ordered his Vitamix blender, he had cleaned out his kitchen of ALL junk, processed, and neolithic, man-made foods-

He was going back to... GOD MADE foods;

His wife had begun taking multiple prescriptions, for high blood pressure, cholesterol, and now depression- all this despite the fact that she ate like a bird most of the time, watched her fat intake like a hawk, and exercised for at least a couple of hours, mostly daily, except when she was injured, which seemed to be more and more often lately- and Samantha was only 35!

Mikey, their son was only 10 years old, and lean as a bean pole.  Sam thought this was great- the only thing that seemed to matter to her was “leanness”.  But Matt noticed the huge mood swings in his son, and how he had trouble concentrating at school.  And their daughter, Taylor, was 14, and had just entered high school this past Fall.  She had always seemed so healthy and happy, but since starting school, she had been dieting like crazy, and he had begun to fear for her health as well.

There had been arguing, and some tears from both the children AND his wife when he had announced his plan.  Matt had pointed out that, since he had been pronounced both pre-diabetic AND hypertensive, as had his wife Sam, that they had no choice but to try this Paleo thing- it was either that, or slowly get sicker and sicker and fatter and fatter...

Matt had always been an athletic kid, and even played lots of sports right up through college.  After that, getting a job and married, he was sporadic with the physical training and playing, and started eating more and more at restaurants, and ordering pizza for him and Sam.  (Sam usually gave him her cheesy topping, and only ate the crust, which was low fat)!  But they both put on maybe 10 or 15 pounds of fat over the next 10 years.

After first Taylor, and then Matt were born, it seemed they were always so busy and frazzled that there was never the time or the desire to exercise, or even to go for a walk.  Matt started dropping off the kids and their mom at the store, so they wouldn’t have to walk... he often thought of the irony later, Sam drove off to the health club to workout on her cardio machines.

This had all changed the day he had been visited by the ghostly visitor-


It had been a couple of days after Christmas, and the kids were both in bed, sated with the many electric gadgets they had received for presents.  Sam was upstairs, taking a bath before bed.  Matt had walked in the living room to look once more at the beautiful Christmas tree, and smell its balsam fragrance once more, when-

A strange, bronzed figure leaped through the window!

He looked down at Matt with blazing, blue eyes, this spectral figure that was almost a giant in stature, and said “You will follow me to the past”!  Upon which he grasped the startled man’s wrist in an iron-like clasp, and pulled...

Matt felt a huge WRENCH on his arm, and then he was surrounded by waves of changing lights, and buffets of strong winds as he and his unearthly captor were flown through yawning chasms of space and time.  When it finally stopped, he looked about him dazedly at a fire, some group of men, women and children sitting and standing about it, with a group of dogs roaming in the background- then he passed out!


When he awoke, he was lying on a fur, and had more atop him to keep him warm; it was a chill morning.  He sat up, and all about him were people- tawny haired, blue eyed, very well developed and clean limbed folk.  They looked at him with interest- one ran off with alacrity.

This one returned quickly with the Ghostly abductor from the night before- looking not at all ghostly in the morning light, and seemingly bursting with strength, health and vitality!

“I am here to save you” said the tall, broad shouldered man, “and your family, my descendants, at the same time!  The Great Spirit has granted me this, to travel to the future to help my progeny!”

And he gestured with both arms wide, as if invoking the Great One then and there, and suddenly crouching down like a great cat at Matt’s side, pulled him to his feet.

“I have much to show you, my son of many of my sons!”  We have not much time, so make haste.”


Much was revealed to Matt in the next span of time, which seemed long, but which could have been hours, or even days, but Matt had no way of knowing.  He learned from his long ago Tribe- he hunted with them, with spear and flint-tipped knife.  He learned the relish of bringing down a mammoth with the other men; the heady rush of exaltation after a few days of scanty food, the gusty feasting after the carrying home of the meat, the dancing, music and celebrations- all was elemental in its simplicity, and yet the more satisfying and real for all that.

The tribe itself was all like one big family- about 50 men, women and children, assorted dogs- all were equal and important, all had a say in what was done.  Matt’s ancestor, whose name meant Mighty Slayer, but sounded nothing like that in speech, sounding more like TUMAC, simple and short as were all of their names.  He learned them all there, befriended them, but then he... forgot when he returned.

Matt had learned the importance; nay, the absolute criticality of eating real, God made animals that eat what God intended from nature.  He reveled in the true, uncivilized hearty friendships with his fellow tribesmen, since they were real, no false flattery uttered for gain, since all was shared equally anyway!  He felt his health return, and then surpass anything that it had been, even in his youth!  He was a tanned, lithe pantherish figure that last day, having just killed his first boar, and been acclaimed about the council fires.


It was there, about the fire, that the leader of the tribe, his ancestor, came again to him before the tribe and the fire.

“It is time to return” he said.  “You must...remember!”

With that, he again grasped Matt’s wrist, and held it in an iron grip.

A surge of changing lights, the buffet of strong winds, and then... blackness.

Matt awoke in bed, his wife beside him.  He felt utterly- different!  He looked down at his hand, and easily leapt from the bed.  What had happened?  Had it all been a dream?  If so...

Matt looked at himself in the mirror, and grasped the sink for support.  The man looking back at him from the glass was him alright- but an impossibly lean, tanned and fit looking version!  He knew that man he saw had NO health issues, and he felt as if he could move huge boulders single-handed.

And he knew, as he would always know from then on, that this was the year that

On that thought, he went downstairs to clean out the kitchen, and load up the Vitamix!

J, aka Paleo Santa, doing an L-SIT on the Perfect Pushup device, kind of a tiny P-bar!  Fun addition!!

OK, I KNOW cavemen and women didn't co-exist with dinosaurs...
But, it is a fun movie, yes??  And a cool trailer indeed!

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